Author’s Note: this is an epilogue to classic novel The Catcher in the Rye.  

IF YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW about my life after Bellevue, then we should probably start by my new school, Freud Preparatory School. It’s just another school, it has nothing special, no aerospace program or even a president graduate, a regular school but full of phonies. Wait, I shouldn’t say that. During my time at Bellevue, Dr. Thalia taught me to not focus on the bad things or the phony things because I would drive myself crazy, but it is so goddam hard when there is so much phonery around. Anyways, as I was saying my new school is pretty similar to Pencey and the others, but it is somehow different. The other schools were depressing as hell and this one is not or maybe is the fact that things are not as depressing as before.

I heard about Freud because of Stephan, the other sixteen-year old at Bellevue, who was transferring to that school after his treatment was done. We met on my second day at Bellevue. I was sitting on a bench reading a book and he sat next to me but didn’t say a word. He would stare at me for a moment and then he would go back to his canvas; at first I thought he was painting me, which creeped me out. I decided to ask him if he was painting me, but when I looked at his canvas he was drawing a wolf staring at the moon in the middle of a forest. He then asked me if I liked it and I said yes; after that we talked all day, we even ate dinner together.

My third night at Bellevue was very intense, it was past 2 am when the alarm went off. People were screaming, it was super loud, and it freaked me out. The next morning I was going to talk with Stefan about it since his room was on the same floor as mine, but he wasn’t in the garden that day, or the next day. I saw him again four days after that night. He had a white bandage on his wrist, bangs under his eyes, and as soon as he saw me, a single tear dropped from his left eye. Boy, it shocked me. It really did. I was left with nothing to say, so he was the first to speak. He said that he felt lonely. That was all he said.

I took a seat next to him and we stared at the lake in front of us for two hours. Later when we arrived at the dining room, he proceeded to tell me exactly what happened. He said that he had a relapse, he knew it was coming for a few days but tried to ignore it. But that night he couldn’t ignore it anymore; he destroyed every single painting he had in his room, grabbed a brush and stabbed it on his right arm. I’ve never felt more depressed in my life, I felt almost guilty and all. I mean, I could have done something, right? But I didn’t, and he spent three days at the hospital. That killed me.

Stephan spent 5 weeks remaking every single painting that he had destroyed. I would help him by bringing brushes or mixing colors. I learned that when he painted he was happy. He couldn’t stop staring at the painting once he was done. He likes me to talk with him while he’s painting. I thought he wasn’t listening to half of what I was saying, but then he would make a comment that would reassure me that he was indeed listening to me. That’s the thing about Stephan, he is always listening to me. To everything I say, even if it is nonsense. After that incident I decided to always make sure that Stephan wouldn’t feel lonely. We spent every day together. I introduced him to D.B, Phoebe, and my parents and I met his; he doesn’t have any siblings, but he does have two cousins who grew up together with him. When I was leaving Bellevue, Stephan gave me a painting of my red hunting hat, it killed me. I made sure to hang it in my room as soon as I got home and then in my room at Freud. Stephan stayed at Bellevue for one more week and I didn’t see him again until school started. But his parents and mine made sure that we were roommates and all.

One Tuesday at Bellevue, my mom went to visit me. She seemed strange, she had bags under her eyes and was shaking a little. I was telling her about this new painting that Stephan made for one of the nurses. She’s very tall and skinny and he made her short and fat and about 60 years old. It barely looked like her, that killed me. Anyways, I was telling her that when all of a sudden she started crying. Boy, that took me by surprise. She was rambling about how sorry she was and how all of this was her fault, it knocked me out. I had to hug her and all for her to calm down. She then had a private conversation with Dr. Thalia. When they were done she apologized and told me she was going to get help. She’s seeing a therapist back at home. D.B. decided to spend some time in New York for a while, to check on Phoebe and my mom and all, he also broke up with his British babe. So he wasn’t in the best place either. I promised my mom that I wasn’t flunking any subject this new semester and that I was going to do my best at the new school. I’ve been doing good, surprisingly good, everyone is happy about it. Hell, even my dad said he was proud of me.

The summer after I left Bellevue, Jane appeared out of nowhere at my front door. Just the sight of her knocked me out. But sadly as I predicted, that sonuvabitch of Stradlater never gave her my regards, so she was super sore with me. I had to explain to her five goddam times that I did send her my regards and I didn’t just ignored her. She was still sore over the fact that I was at Bellevue and never told her, and that she was the one who had to come looking for me. I couldn’t really say anything, I was never in the mood. She told me what was going on in her life, during the whole conversation I couldn’t take my eyes off of her一 very corny, I know. Anyways, she told me that her mom and her stepfather had a lot of issues, and he was arrested. Sexual harassment, who would have thought. After that her mom got a divorce and boy, I was glad to hear that. Jane says that her mom hasn’t been good since then, she cries a lot and drinks every day. Jane’s grandparents decided to come and live with them after the divorce and after they talked with her about her relationship with her stepfather, a conversation they kept in secret from her mom. Jane seems fine, she’s a little sad for her mom but she seems happier. We spent the rest of summer together until the day that we both needed to leave for school, we would play checkers and all. We are not horsing around or anything like that, we are not there yet. But we spent a lot of time together. We talked at least thrice a day after we left for school. We are planning on skating at the Rockefeller Center for winter break with Phoebe.

I still feel a little depressed sometimes, not nearly as depressed as I felt before though. Most of the time I’m depressed because I haven’t talked with Jane, Phobe, or Stephan. They have been too busy with schoolwork and we don’t have time to hang out. Dr. Thalia told me that every time I felt depressed, I should write in a diary any thoughts that came to my mind, even stupidities. I wasn’t planning on doing it but Stephan got me one as a late Christmas present, he even put my name on it and all. Before I left for school; Phoebe, D.B, his new girlfriend Marie, and I went to Allie’s grave together. We had a picnic and spent all day at the cemetery. We would tell Marie stories of Allie or we would simply talk to him, he was listening. I asked Marie if Allie would get wet when it rains, and she told me that it was very improbable but if I was concerned about it we could build a tent on top of Allie’s grave to avoid it. I asked her if the poles of the tent wouldn’t hurt him and she said that he was too far down to even notice it. So, we are building it with Phoebe and Stephan next summer. My mom thought it was a terrific idea. Lately I go to Allie’s grave a lot. I only read my diaries to him, it feels good as hell to read them to someone. Reading my diaries to Allie makes me think that sometimes, only sometimes, there are people worth knowing, even if you lose them eventually.