1. Benjamin Barber, an eminent sociologist, doesn’t divide the people in the world into the successes and failures. He divides them by mindset—into the learners and nonlearners. How do you divide people?

I suppose I divide people into people who give up, and those who push through. That could be considered a fixed vs growth mindset division. The dedicated, hard workers and the pushovers.

2. When do you feel smart? When you’re doing something flawlessly or when you’re learning something new? How can you make striving, stretching, and struggling into something that makes you feel smart?

I tend to feel smartest when I demonstrate that I am good at something or know it really well. It is difficult for me to appreciate when I’m working hard on something that challenges me, because I hate failure and feeling like I can’t do something. I need to focus on my patience and not giving myself such a hard time when I struggle. I need to appreciate the long term goal and its rewards.

3. Do you ever feel superior to other people? Stop it! It’s the wrong mindset and it’s one failure away from feeling inferior. Using the growth mindset, discuss ways of feeling confident and worthy without feeling superior.

When I fail, I should take pride in and focus on taking it in stride, for bouncing back and continuing to move forward after messing up. I should build up my resiliency and learn from my mistakes.

4. Did you ever label yourself a failure or loser after something negative happened—failing a test, losing a job, being rejected? Describe a time this happened. How could you have been more like Jim Marshall, who made his humiliating experience into a life-changing opportunity?

I kicked and pitied myself after not being selected to be on the choreography team with the theatre department. I was devastated. I cried a lot and kept telling myself, “I am never good enough. No matter what I do, no matter where I go, I am never good enough.” To be honest, I’m still grappling with feeling inadequate. For one thing, it would have been better if I tried to stay professional and allow myself to be sad and upset for once I got home. At least the experience allowed me to have a low point to try and aim higher than and to avoid in the future. It has become a point for comparison for me in therapy.

5. Are you a person who tends to avoid responsibility for your problems or failures by making excuses or blaming others? Think of specific examples and discuss how you could use a growth mindset to take responsibility and start to correct the problems you face.

I tend to do a bit of both, but I like being able to blame others, that’s for sure. Right now, I have a problem with initiative and doing things to make myself better. I feel helpless (when really it is me not wanting to change) and ask for help, but I don’t use the help I get and I don’t change- then I get mad when I continue to struggle and blame it on the people who tried to help me. I need to accept responsibility for my own actions and problems and become proactive and change my ways before it’s too late.

6. Have you ever been like Nadja Salerno-Sonnenberg—afraid to give something important your full effort? Think of times you’ve done this. Are there other self-defeating ways you try to protect yourself from (meaningful) failure?

I tried isolating myself when my self-esteem was non-existent so that I would never have to burden anybody with my existence. I tend to try and distance myself from being vulnerable in front of people and not telling people what’s really going on with me, how I really feel. I don’t want the trust I place in others to be bad investments, so I rarely truly open up to my peers anymore. While this can be a wise maneuver, as sometimes it’s best not to spill your guts to anybody who will listen, it also gets in the way of making real connections with people and getting friendships past the surface level and last a long time.